Bottoms Up
by Weavillain
Summary: A set-up movie marathon night for Lincoln, Lori, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby takes a new turn for Lincoln as he sets off to find out exactly what it is Lori wants Lincoln to not discover in that less than innocuous brown bag Bobby brought over. (Lori x Bobby) (Two-shot)
1. Chapter 1

As Lincoln Loud waited not so patiently on the living room couch for Bobby Santiago and his sister, Ronnie Anne, to show up at his house, he checked his watch for the time for the thirty-eighth time in half an hour.

' _7:27? C'mon, Bobby, can't you get here any faster? The Youthful Deviant Shinobi Tortoises movie marathon is starting in just a little over a half hour!'_ Lincoln thought to himself exasperatedly. To Lincoln's surprise, it was Lori of all people who had suggested this little outing a few days ago. Despite knowing that watching movies, featuring sentient amphibian warriors, was far from Lori's thing, Lincoln shrugged off her enthusiasm as simply a normal reaction to spending time with Bobby.

As if his prayers were answered by his mental plea, the doorbell rang. Lincoln hurriedly leaped off the couch as he approached the door at breakneck speed. He flung it open and was ecstatic to see Bobby standing right outside. Being his usual chipper self, Bobby walked right in and ruffled Lincoln's hair, a gesture that Lincoln slightly winced at despite Bobby's gentle approach. Lincoln noticed that Bobby was carrying a large brown bag under his arms, which Lincoln decided contained snacks for all of them to enjoy.

"Lincoln! How's it hangin', bro?" Bobby asked, heading towards the couch. Lincoln followed closely behind, leaving the door open for Ronnie Anne since he noticed that she wasn't there with him and assumed that she'd be joining them shortly. Once they both sat down, after Bobby had set his bag in front of him, Lincoln decided that opening up to Bobby, about his less than stellar day, wouldn't be a bad way to bide time before the marathon began.

"Not bad though I haven't had the best day so far. Luan got to the last cherry ice pop before I could, Lucy's latest poem instilled a fear of balloons into me, Lily threw up all over my hair when I gave her a piggyback ride, and I slipped in the shampoo puddle that Leni forgot to clean up after I went into the bathroom. My head still hurts a little from the fall," Lincoln admitted as he ran over the tender spot on his cranium. This did nothing but make Bobby feel guilty for the hair tussle he initiated earlier.

"Sounds rough. Sorry about the bump on your noggin. Guess my little cowlick 'grooming' back there didn't do much to make it feel better."

Lincoln assuredly responded, "That's fine. It's nothing in comparison to the noggies Ronnie Anne usually give me."

They both shared a laugh at that but Lincoln didn't laugh for long since bringing up his girlfriend into the conversation only brought about how unusual her absence was. She _still_ hadn't shown up yet. Where could she possibly be? Was she not showing up? Lincoln thought this behavior to be rather peculiar since Ronnie Anne was almost as excited about this as Lori was.

"Hey, speaking of which, where is Ronnie Anne? I thought she'd be here to watch the movie with us. Is she coming by later?" Lincoln inquired, hoping that Bobby would give him news that he could appreciate. The forlorn expression that Bobby now wore suggested that he'd be getting nothing of the sort.

"Sorry, dude," Bobby apologized with mournful articulation, "She's really not feeling well. She got a high fever a few hours ago so my folks are watching over her while I'm here."

Well that was just perfect. The one person he wanted to spend time the most with wasn't going to show up. He'd still have fun with the movies but definitely not as much without Ronnie Anne with him. Bobby saw the apparent sad look on Lincoln's face and tried to reassure him that he'd still enjoy himself.

"But hey, that doesn't mean all three of us still can't have a good time, right?" Bobby noticed Lincoln take on a tiny smile now and as happy to know that he was at least just a little bit encouraged. Suddenly, Bobby felt a pair of arms snake around his neck from behind the couch, making him jump a little in his seat. He looked down at the hands and noticed a familiar color of fingernail polish that made him grin slyly at the realization of who was behind him. The feeling of lips slightly brushing against the shell of his ear only made it bigger.

"Especially _us_ ," Lori lowly whispered, making sure that only Bobby could hear her. They both began giggling to themselves, leaving Lincoln completely out of the loop as to what it was they could possibly find so humorous.

"What's so funny?" Lincoln asked, curiosity stirring him on. Lori sighed irritably and rolled her eyes at his meddling.

"Nothing, Lincoln. Just make sure you don't do anything to ruin the atmosphere for Bobby Boo-Boo Bear and I," Lori demanded. She needed to lay down the law as quickly as she could to make sure that Lincoln wouldn't interfere in the little scheme she and Bobby had cooked up days ago for this little gathering. She glanced over down at the bag Bobby brought over and fought back the urge to shiver lustfully.

"Aww, don't be so hard on him, babe. Lincoln's not the type of guy to put the kibosh on our chemistry," Bobby valiantly stated as he vouched for Lincoln's disposition.

Lori, now walking to the other side of the couch to face them both, answered back without doing much to support Lincoln's temperament, "Trust me, Bobby, Lincoln's usually well behaved but sometimes, he can be a bit of a handful. You know how kids are; never truly appreciating the subtleties and intricacies of true love," she finished with a sigh as she walked over to Bobby and straddled his legs, gazing soulfully into his eyes, and pressing forward until their foreheads were touching.

"Like the love I have for you?" Bobby delightfully replied as he looked back at his girlfriend with reverence.

"The very same!" Lori squealed joyfully and closed the rest of the space between them with her lips pressing against his own with just enough restraint to keep it appropriate for the company they had with them. Being subjected to this sappy, lovey-dovey exhibition was a big reason why Lincoln yearned for Ronnie's company. They loved belittling Lori and Bobby's saccharine, over-the-top gestures of affection to each other and he was sure they would've had plenty of opportunities to do that during the movie marathon.

Lincoln groaned in disgust and looked past the smooching teenagers at the brown bag that Bobby had carried with him. If nothing else, the least Lincoln could do was help Bobby unpack all the delicious junk food that he brought over. He got up from his seat and ventured over to the bag. As he stretched out his hand to grab the handle, a painful sting, accentuated by a smacking sound, made him rear back and hold onto his slightly wounded appendage. He looked around until his eyes landed on a snarling Lori glaring at him, with Bobby looking on in slight concern.

"Keep away from that bag!" she shouted, hoisting it away from him before Lincoln could get a peek at the contents that were inside. Much to his surprise, he briefly saw Bobby breathe a sigh of relief.

"What? What's so wrong with the…" Lincoln began but was quickly cut off as Lori got up from Bobby to get right in Lincoln's face, pressing a finger firmly into his chest.

"That's for you to never know, got it?! Don't look into it, don't smell it, don't look at it from afar, don't even think about it! You do and I'm texting Ronnie Anne all of your baby photos!"

That got Lincoln's attention in a hurry. Physical harm from Lori was one thing. Knowing that Ronnie Anne would be in possession of pictures of him butt naked in the sink and wearing that dorky pumpkin Halloween costume was another thing entirely and enough to get him to hastily agree to her demands.

"Okay, okay! I won't look! I won't look!" Lincoln promised energetically. Almost instantly, Lori's mood brightened up as she grabbed Bobby by the arm with one hand and held onto the brown bag with the other.

"Good. C'mon, Bobby, I have some grapes in the fridge you can feed me while we watch the movie," Lori suggested as both lovers headed towards the kitchen. Bobby looked back at Lincoln and gave him a two finger salute before continuing on with his objective.

"Catch ya later, Lincolnator."

Lincoln waved back at him until he saw both of them disappear out of sight. Okay, that was weird. _Way_ too weird. Lori never lashed out at him in front of Bobby, wanting Bobby not to think of her as a violent harpy that lost control at the drop of a hat. Whatever was in that bag must've been really top secret for him not to see. Bobby seemed to share that exact same sentiment if that sigh of relief was any indication. Lincoln walked over to shut the front door now that he knew Ronnie Anne wouldn't be joining them. As he did so, he found himself creating a new objective for himself: to look inside that bag and find out what Lori wanted to keep hidden from him, all while hoping that Lori wouldn't catch on to his intentions.

The last thing he needed was Ronnie Anne rubbing the memory of bath time in the sink in his face until he was old and gray.

 **A/N:** Unlike S&T, I already know how many chapters I'm going to make here. I was really tempted to see this all the way through in one sitting but meh, I figured adding a few more multi-chapter stories to my collection wouldn't be such a bad thing. Besides, it's nearly two in the morning where I am and I need to go on the hunt for some Z's. They're a feisty bunch, I hear.


	2. Chapter 2

After about forty-four minutes into the _Youthful Deviant Shinobi Tortoises_ marathon, Lincoln Loud's curiosity was starting to become a major distraction from the gripping, action packed fight scenes and funny dialogue that would've otherwise enthralled him. Sprawled out on his stomach in front of the couch, as his eyes remained glued to the screen, Lincoln's mind began to wander back to where everything went wrong for him.

Once he made up his mind that he'd acquire full knowledge of the contents of Bobby's brown bag, no matter the risks that would deter an otherwise less adventurous mind from pursuing such an endeavor, he initiated a plan that he was sure was foolproof. Seeing as how Lori liked to keep all of her secrets locked up in her room, Lincoln assumed that Lori would carry the suspicious bag up there and lock the door before all three of them got comfortable in the living room. This wouldn't be a problem since Leni was currently at a sleepover at a friend's house, meaning Lori would have full command of what went in and what went out of her room. Lori still had no idea that Lincoln could sneak into her room through the vents so once the movie marathon started and a good chunk of time passed, Lincoln would simply excuse himself, under the lie of going to the bathroom, while Lori and Bobby kept themselves distracted with each other's company, go up into the vents, head into her room, and find the bag and all of its alluring mysteries that were sure to be within.

Much to his annoyance, however, instead of doing that, she kept it by her side as she and Bobby snuggled close to each other on the couch. That meant that the chances of peeking inside, without Lori or Bobby catching him red-handed, were about as slim as Lynn abandoning sports for the glitz and glamour of runway modeling. Speaking of Lynn, Lincoln was distraught about the fact that she and his other sisters were all holed up in their rooms, no doubt a result of Lori telling all of them not to butt in while she, Bobby, and himself were in the living room for the evening. That meant that Lincoln would have to find a way to achieve his goal by himself.

Sighing dolefully, Lincoln lethargically reached into the bowl of buttery, greasy popcorn next to him, grabbed a handful of it, and shoveled it into his mouth, all while keeping his eyes focused on the TV screen. Antonio, the blue eye mask wearing tortoise, had just been elected as the leader of his shinobi band of brothers by their father figure and mentor, Sliver, the wise, anthropomorphic ferret. Sebastian, the hotheaded, red eye mask wearing tortoise, was not very pleased and ran off to prove to everyone why he deserved to be leader. Before the dramatic scene could play out any further, the marathon was halted by a stream of commercials, starting with one about some brand of perfume with a pretentious French sounding name. He turned around out of interest in what Bobby and Lori were doing and was surprised to see the both of not making out or whispering sweet nothings into their respective ears. Instead, they were both looking over in the bag, that was really starting to become the bane of Lincoln's existence, and talking quietly amongst themselves, their speech being interjected with a random bout of giggles. After they were done with that, they both nodded to themselves and turned their heads to look over at Lincoln, who quickly turned his attention back to the TV to make it look like he wasn't being nosy.

"Say, uh, Lincoln," Bobby called over to him. Lincoln turned back around to face both teenagers, who both had wide smiles on their faces while they slowly got off the couch in unison. Lincoln couldn't also help but notice that Bobby had secured his bag under his arm.

"I want to show her…uh…uhhhhh…"

Lincoln was rather perplexed at Bobby's loss for words. Clearly, he should've known exactly what Lori wanted to show him, especially if that little conversation they had just a few seconds before was any indication. Lori finished for him, albeit a bit too frantically for Lincoln to not assume that something fishy was going on.

"His flunked tests! S-see, my Bobby may be the most gorgeous, wonderful man alive but not even he's perfect, ya see! He brought over a whole bunch of his failed history tests and we're gonna go up to my room so I can see the mistakes he made and I can correct him so he can do better next time! Isn't that right, Bobby Boo-Boo Bear?!"

Lori nudged Bobby in his ribs a few times when he didn't pick up on the memo right away. Bobby clumsily got into the act, doing nothing to convince Lincoln that he and Lori were lying through their teeth.

"Uh…yeah, yeah! That's it! I mean, what even is history, am I right?" Bobby joked in a self-deprecating manner that Lincoln didn't buy for one second.

"See? He's totally helpless without me!" Lori dramatically declared, wrapping her arms around Bobby in the process.

"If it means being closer to you, babe, I'll be the dumbest man alive!" Bobby chimed in with just as much phony delivery as Lori. Lincoln chuckled at the poorly acted out scene in front of him in his head. Thespians, they were not. After that more than telling presentation, Lori returned to her default demeanor.

"So yeah, we'll be upstairs if you need us but I doubt you'll need our help to watch your movies, right, Lincoln?" Lori asked with just a hint of a threatening edge to her words that only years of living under the same roof as her would be able to pinpoint. To keep up a visage of naivety, Lincoln enthusiastically nodded his head.

"Of course! Have fun with your studying, you two!" Lincoln chirped as he watched the two sweethearts head upstairs. Once they knew were gone and completely out of earshot, Lincoln cackled to himself. His initial plan may not have worked but unbeknownst to Bobby and Lori, they gave him a golden opportunity for a plan that was even more foolproof than the first one he cooked up.

Who did they think they were fooling? Even if Lincoln believed that Lori and Bobby were truly going up to Lori's room to study, just where exactly did Bobby keep all of his tests that he supposedly brought over? In that brown bag? A bag that big for just a few sheets of paper? Yeah, right. It was obvious to Lincoln that whatever was in that bag was the real reason they excused themselves to leave Lincoln all by himself, hoping that he wouldn't catch on to their little charade.

Lincoln chortled to himself again and rubbed his hands together in a manner that would put the maddest of scientists to shame. He thought about his plot being pulled off to perfection when the next commercial on the screen made him nearly jump out of his skin. He switched over to another channel, sighing in relief as the brief flash of fear was over.

Not even balloon animals were friendly looking enough to help him get over his newly founded balloon phobia.

* * *

Once about five minutes had passed since Bobby and Lori's exit, Lincoln decided to make his move. He didn't want to charge in after them right away, wanting them to feel a false sense of security about not being followed. Before he left, however, Lincoln decided to put the marathon on DVR, making sure that he wouldn't miss anything while he was gone. After he took care of that, Lincoln quietly made his way up the stairs. Regardless of how engrossed he was sure Bobby and Lori were being right now, he wanted to be super sure that they wouldn't overhear him, especially since Lori expected her other siblings to be in their rooms.

At last, he reached the hallway, content with the fact that no one had discovered him. The last thing he needed was Lori and Bobby catching on to him or any of his other sisters blowing his cover. Once again, he began tiptoeing, this time to his room. As he approached his door, he did one last check down the hall to make sure no one had spotted him.

' _Coast is clear. Look out bag, here comes Lincoln Loud!'_

Despite the slight creaking of the door Lincoln was opening, he was washed over with comfort in the fact that everyone was still too preoccupied to notice him. He slipped through the wide crack his opening left for him and shut the door behind him as slowly and quietly as possible. With that, Phase 1 had been completed. Now for Phase 2…

With skill that only hours of parkour practice with Lynn could've prepared him for, Lincoln vaulted against the walls in the far corner of his bedroom until he reached the ceiling where the vents centered. He opened up them up with ease, sliding into the opening and snugly fitting within the corridors. Phase 2 was now done and over with.

Phase 3 was definitely going to be the hardest. Crawling through the vents until he reached above Lori's room was simple enough. He wasn't even worried about running into Lucy. Making sure to be as quiet as possible was going to be the most difficult part of his entire plan. Unless Lori thought that their house was invaded by giant rats crawling about in the vents, he figured that she'd know about his snooping if he wasn't careful.

Unlike the last time Lincoln infiltrated Lori's room via the vents, he didn't really know where he was going and made several wrong turns. However, just in case a situation called for him to be up there for an espionage mission, like he was on right now, Lincoln had the entire ventilation system memorized. Suppressing the urge to chuckle at how clever he was being, Lincoln slowly but surely shimmed above the rooms of his sisters, briefly checking to look down and see if any of them noticed him. With each success, Lincoln grew more confident, slightly picking up the pace of his venture until he knew that he was only a few feet away from Lori's room and the opening that he could peek through to see what was going on in there. He heard voices coming from that room and Lincoln hadn't really been paying attention but he decided that it was for the best, just in case he needed to pick up any information about what to expect before he spied on them.

"You've been distracting my teachings again, Ms. Loud. I hope you realize that that behavior isn't acceptable."

Lincoln wasn't quite sure what to make of that sentence. He knew that was Bobby's voice he was hearing saying those words but why exactly did he sound so gruff and deep? He also thought that "Ms. Loud" had to be no one except for Lori, so why the formality? Why not "babe" or just "Lori" like he always did? And what teachings could he possibly be talking about? This made no sense at all.

"Now I realize that I need to take a rather…disciplinary approach since my stern warnings haven't appeared to take root."

Lincoln was too engrossed in this strange conversation to advance any further. He also wanted to hear Lori's input on this peculiar matter, hoping to make sense of this.

"Pssh, whatever, Mr. Santiago. You know I'm the only thing you look forward to when you drone on and on about Newtonian physics", he heard Lori drawl out. Like Bobby, her voice had taken on a weird inflection, too. She sounded way more chipper than usual. And "Mr. Santiago" …just what the heck was going on down there?!

"Is that so? Let's see you get cocky after you've gotten your punishment."

Punishment? Just what the heck kind of punishment was Bobby talking about? Before he could unravel the new mystery put before him any further, he heard what sounded like a sharp smacking sound. What followed was the sound of Lori yelping, as if she were in immediate distress.

' _No way. Is Bobby…is Bobby hurting Lori?'_

There's no way that that was the case. No way. Lincoln always thought of Bobby as the type of person to put his happiness before Lori's. He applied for whatever job he could to make Lori happy by all the lavish gifts he'd get for her. There was no way that he would ever…

The same smacking sound, as if skin were being violently struck, permeated his ears again. Lori's shrieking, like last time, followed suit. The blood in Lincoln's veins ran cold as the sound of smacking and shrieking repeated over and over and over again.

"P-please…stooooooop," Whatever Bobby was doing was clearly causing Lori pain and if Lincoln didn't know better, he'd think that he heard Lori sobbing.

"No. You haven't learned your lesson yet," he heard Bobby growl with venom in his voice as the striking noises began again. This time, other than Lori yelping in pain, he heard mangled pleas from her, begging for Bobby to stop his apparent savage assault.

That was it! Lincoln couldn't bear to standby and listen to this anymore! He could give Bobby the benefit of the doubt no further. Lori was in danger and she needed help. Rushing towards the vent opening that oversaw Lori's room, Lincoln clubbed his hands together and smashed the metal aside, adrenaline and heroic intent driving him on. Not carrying about making a graceful landing, Lincoln dropped through the open hole and landed square on his feet, his knees slightly buckling from the impact of his landing. Lincoln looked up at what he was sure to be Bobby brutally beating Lori to tears…

…and was greeted with the most confusing spectacle that he had ever seen in his eleven years of life.

Bobby, donned in what looked like an average teacher's get-up accompanied by a pair of glasses, had one of his arms held high in the air, palm spread wide open. It was frozen in place as he looked on at Lincoln, mirroring the shocked expression on his face. Had Bobby not been sitting on Lori's bed, Lincoln would be sure that he would've leaped out of his shoes. Bobby's other arm securely held what Lincoln realized to be none other than Lori, who was draped over Bobby's knees while she was wearing a white blouse, red stilettos, and a thigh high blue skirt that did nothing to preserve modesty, as it was hiked up all the way to her waist, revealing a pair of red underwear that did nothing to encase her glutes the way a conventional pair of panties ought to.

Not that Lincoln wanted to ever stare at Lori's butt but he couldn't help but notice that the skin of her cheeks, both the ones on her flabbergasted face and the ones her g-string failed to envelop in fabric, were bright red. Lincoln looked back up at the hand that was frozen in midair and followed what appeared to be the trajectory it would've followed had Lincoln not literally dropped in on them. It all clicked into place.

' _Bobby was…spanking Lori?! B-b-but why?!'_

As if the poor boy couldn't be any more confused, Lincoln also noticed that Lori hadn't been really crying at all. If her blushing face and "deer in the headlights" expression was any indication of her true feelings, she looked ashamed. Very ashamed. But why would Lori want to be spanked by Bobby? Why would they wear such silly outfits? Why would they talk to each other like that? Was this what Bobby and Lori had planned all this time? Why was no one saying or doing anything to make this awkward situation make any sort of sense?!

About a full minute had passed before Lori finally got up off of Bobby, pulling her skirt down, and straightening out her slightly ruffled hair. Bobby quickly grabbed a pillow and covered his crotch with it as soon as Lori had gotten off her, flashing Lincoln a huge grin and a wave as if everything that he just barged in on hadn't happened. Without saying a word, Lori silently walked over to her purse that was hanging by the bedpost. She reached into it and fished out what Lincoln saw to be a fifty-dollar bill. Lincoln looked on, slightly terrified about what Lori might do. When she was finally standing in front of her, Lori reached forward and stuffed the money in the front shirt pocket. She cleared her throat before she finally spoke.

"Lincoln?"

"Y-yes, Lori?" Lincoln meekly responded, not looking her in the eye at all in fear of what he might see.

"I want you to take that money. Take that money and swear by every god and deity that you know that you will never…EVER speak of the events that you just saw to another living soul as long as you live, especially Mom and Dad. Understand?"

Lincoln vigorously nodded his head and quickly climbed the shelf underneath the vent opening to get a boost before he crawled through. As Lincoln made his way back to his room, far too petrified to go back to the living room to watch the movie marathon, he weighed in the pros and cons of the events of that just unfolded before his very eyes.

He was probably scarred for life and would never be able to look at Lori or Bobby the same way again. On the plus side, he was fifty dollars richer and he doubted that balloons could make him afraid anymore. Now all that was left was to see if any therapists in the area could be hired for less than fifty bucks…

 **A/N:** Ten stories, huh? Good golly. Never thought I'd make it this far. Also didn't know I'd ever write something like this and that's with _Clyde & Peek_ already present and accounted for. This is either a slippery slope of debauchery and outlandishness or an embrace of the less than conventional settings we'd expect these characters to go through written to life. I'll go with the one that means I'm _not_ insane. :D On a side note, I've never used the word "foolproof" in writing until now because I assumed that it was spelled "fullproof" until today. :P


End file.
